Social Networking Rehab: iPhone

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Feed Your Addiction With A Phoney Twitter

Virtually all of the Twitter Addicts we treat here at INVITATIONS have a mobile phone and use their phones to check in with Twitter. Ideally, we would like to therefore confiscate their phones upon arrival, however for various insurance and liability reasons we are not able to leave our visitors disconnected from their world outside of the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility. Fortunately, many of our "customers" have iPhones and thanks to AT&T their ability to get a decent network connection is sufficiently borked to limit their on-site tweeting while in recovery. For the non-iPhone patients, we have put strict limitations on their mobile phone use.

THE "DM" METHOD

In an effort to ease the pain of being weaned from Twitter, and preventing the sometimes serious side effects of twithdrawal, our own Dr. Dierichter Meisinger (known among the patients as "DM") has postulated that personalizing one's phone with Twitter related ringtones and wallpaper images can serve as sublimation for actually using Twitter on their phones. To prove his theory, Dr. Meisinger has assembled a collection of Twitter ringtones and wallpapers that we regularly use here at INVITATIONS. Patients following the DM method hear a Twitter song every time their phone rings, feeding their "need for Tweed" and reducing their desire to shirk all other worldly responsibilities in favor of their 140 character communications. It is still early in the study, but initial results seem promising.

YOU CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

As a courtesy and public service, we are making these twitterized mobile phone goodies available to you here, so that you can begin treating your own addictions by using the DM Method at home. Please use with care.

(Note: The ringtones and wallpapers below are made available via Myxer, where I work when I am not acting as proprietor of INVITATIONS. Click "Preview" to hear any of the ringtones.)

Doctors Announce First Successful Human FACEBOOK Transplant

(Palo Alto, California) May 25, 2009. A team of doctors and surgeons from the nation's leading medical institutions have joined forces to perform the world's first human Facebook transplant, it was announced today by Dr. Prayim Fomofriends, lead surgeon on the procedure. Dr. Fomofriends, on loan from the prestigious Mayo Naise Clinic in Boise, Idaho, called the groundbreaking surgery an undeniable success. The patient, who's identity is being kept confidential in accordance with prevailing Internet privacy policies, is recuperating at an undisclosed location, rumored to be INVITATIONS, the nation's premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility.

FROM FACES TO FACEBOOK

While to date there have been two well documented and successful human face transplants, this marks the first time doctors have successfully transplanted a Facebook account from one person to another, including all friends, news feeds, groups, and even such delicate details such as the Fun Wall and other inane applications. The patient is expected to recover fully and regain, in time, complete use of the new Facebook account, including poking, and eventually, the ability to update statuses, even from a mobile phone or linked Twitter account. The donor, who has elected to remain anonymous, is said to be a former "A-List" blogger who amassed a Facebook following of the maximum 5,000 friends and then became disillusioned by the limitation. In a prepared statement the donor commented, "I am just grateful that my so-called friends can now be put to good use in the account of someone who really needs them. I wish more people would consider becoming organization donors."

PROTESTING THE PROCEDURE

While the procedure has been heralded by some as a true medical breakthrough and an example of the future of cosmetic social surgery, as with anything controversial the transplant also has its detractors. Protesters have already gathered outside of the INVITATIONS recovery facility with signs claiming, "IF GOD HAD WANTED US TO TRANSPLANT OUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS HE WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED PASSWORDS." Ironically, there are already several groups on Facebook that have been formed to rally against the medical community and denounce the transplanting of accounts. When interviewed, the leader of one of the protest groups, who refused to reveal his identity, stated, "This surgery is sacrilege! What's next? Surgically altering Twitter to allow messages of more than 140 characters??? Where do we draw the line???"

THE FACE(BOOK) OF THINGS TO COME

At a press conference held outside Facebook headquarters, Dr. Fomofriends was accompanied by a family member of the patient who tearfully stated, "Thanks to these amazing doctors, my unnamed relative can look forward to a full life ahead, rich with friends and a Facebook account they can hold high and be proud of. No more gawking and pointing at their weak and tattered account. No more pity pokes. It is truly a miracle!" Although the entire procedure was captured via Qik on Dr. Fomofriend's jail broken iPhone, because of the graphic nature of the surgery, it has not been decided if the images will be made publicly available. However, the patient has said they do plan to post everything to their new Facebook account once they are fully healed.

For more information about the surgery, or to place yourself on a waiting list for the procedure, please contact Dr. Prayim Fomofriends, care of INVITATIONS, or add your name in comment section for this article.

Photo Credit: © Yuri Arcurs - Fotolia.com