Day 303: A Twitter Addicts' Guide To Social Media Services

Call me Ishmael...

With all the WHALE images I have seen on Twitter lately, I can't help but recall MOBY DICK... And like Captain Ahab, there are times when I can't help wanting to exact revenge and harpoon that (not so) elusive whale...

LOTS OF NEW FISH IN THE FISHBOWL

One of the problems the hardcore patients here at the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility have is to keep the staff from finding out about all the different new SocNets. What they don't know won't hurt us! So, while Twitter and Facebook are recognized as being among the leading drugs of choice for the Social Networking junkie, some of the newer SocNet strains are still foreign to the doctors and therapists here. With that in mind, a few fellow patients and I have prepared an emergency glossary to use to throw the staff off guard and keep them from discovering (and potentially ruining) our latest shiny objects.

Therefore, should any healthcare officials ask you about one of these services, here are the answers you should provide:

What is...

PLURK: The sound the Twitter whale makes when it blows...(and seeing that whale really does blow!)

FRIENDFEED: The hors d'oeuvres served at one of Mike Arrington's (in)famous TechCrunch parties...

POWNCE: The act of jumping on top of one of your Twitter friends when you meet them in Real Life for the first time...

JAIKU: Jewish poetry consisting of 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 Yiddish words...

UTTERZ: Cow parts that very few Geeks have ever touched...

SEESMIC: What Keith Richards does when he turns toward Jagger...

QIK: A quicker way to spell "quick."

MYSPACE: What Rupert Murdock calls the Internet.

LINKEDIN: The 16th President of the United States, often referred to as "Honest Abe."

PLAXO: An industrial strength cleaning solution effective at whitewashing your contact list.


If you have your own definitions for these and other services, please add them to the comments!

Day 22: AA For Social Networking Addicts!

Its day 22 of Social Networking Rehab. I thought I was at the home stretch until today. American Airlines has become my enabler. As I mentioned in this Twittergram, I am on my way to San Francisco for TechCrunch40 (which is NOT a Cereal!). My 2:45pm direct flight from MIA was cancelled for "mechanical problems" leaving me to standby for a 4:20 pm flight via Dallas. Naturally, I did not get on the standby flight, leaving me sitting here waiting for a 7:20 flight to DFW, getting me into SFO a little before Midnight.

What's a Social Networking Addict to do????

SMILE and THANK AMERICAN AIRLINES! This is far more valuable than my frequent flyer miles. I have almost SIX HOURS of uninterrupted, guilt-free Social Networking! I have my laptop and Sprint wireless broadband card, a seat near an electrical outlet, Facebook and Twitter open before me, coffee and alcohol readily available. So what if I won't get any rest or sleep before my busy TechCrunch schedule. I am in Social Networking heaven!!! No kids or dogs to interrupt. Just you, me and my laptop!

Thank you American Airlines! You can fuck up my travel schedule anytime!

Day 19: TechCrunch is NOT a Cereal!

Ok, it is confirmed. The staff here at INVITATIONS are complete idiots. How can they claim to be "The Nation's Premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility" when they have NO CLUE about what's going on. To understand an addict, you need to walk in an addict's shoes... To understand a Social Networking addict, you should at the very least have a Twitter account! Is that too much to ask?

I sent a Twittergram this morning but the end of it got cut off. I was talking with my Therapist and I told her, "Hey, Guy Kawasaki is on Twitter now!" I was pumped. Guy's a RockStar. The so-called "expert" Therapist looked at me puzzled and said, "You mean the motorcycle???"

NOTE TO THERAPIST: GUY KAWASAKI IS NOT A MOTORCYCLE!

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to explain that I needed an outpatient pass for a few days for TechCrunch40. She told me that they had a fully stocked kitchen, but if I wanted a certain special brand of cereal she would be happy to order it for me...

NOTE TO THERAPIST: TECHCRUNCH IS NOT A CEREAL!

I know I am getting better and that being here is really for my own good, but I hate it here... Sneaking a fix of the Internet from the Starbucks around the corner really sucks, and I haven't been POKED in days!

I guess I'll go raid the kitchen for a bowl of cereal...


Photo Credit: Chris Hill - Fotolia.com