Day 29: A Token of Depreciation...

It's Day 29! Where's my bleepin' keychain??? I was politely told by the staff here at INVITATIONS that I did NOT earn my 28 days of Social Networking sobriety Token. I DID get a TechCrunch token, but that was part of the problem. You see, I was granted an outpatient leave to attend the TechCrunch40 conference in San Francisco. I promised to be on my best behavior and stay clean... I swore to my sponsor that I was going on a business trip and I would NOT be using Facebook or Twitter. Yeah right...

"THE HALLS ARE ALIVE... WITH THE SOUND OF TWITTER..."

How could a Social Networking addict resist such temptations? I had barely arrived at the Palace Hotel when I ran into @chrisbrogan - a Twitter Rockstar! Then, my lips still moist from kissing Brogan's ring, who do I see standing in the hallway but @scobleizer, Twittizen extraordinaire! As one of more than 5,ooo @strangers that Robert Scoble follows, I knew he would surely be delighted to meet ME! After all, we are tight, Scoble and I. I was practically right there with him at the birth of his beautiful new son, Milan. I knew all about the new camera he had around his neck. We've bonded 140 characters at a time, countless times!

WAGON? WHAT WAGON???

TechCrunch40 was gonna be great... and without hesitation, my rehab went out the window. I snuck into a dark corridor of the Palace, where I saw Fatblogger Jason Calacanis sneaking an oatmeal raisin cookie. We shared a knowing nod, and as soon as Jason left, wiping the telltale crumbs off the corners of his mouth, I dug deep into my pocket and withdrew my fix. My trusty Treo 755p. In moments I felt release. I was in. I was Twittering about my encounters with my fellow Twittizens at TechCrunch. Ahhhh...

TWEETUP IN MEATSPACE!

My addiction reached new heights in San Francisco, as I extended my abuse beyond cyberspace and into "meatspace" by attending my first TweetUp -- a gathering of humans who, freed from the constraints of keyboards and SMS are enabled to share food, drink, and even speak in lengthy sentences. Yes, at a TweetUp you get to meet the Characters behind the 140 characters. Talk about a rush! It was great to see so many @'s in person. @CreativeSage even wore her iconic "hat" from her Facebook and Twitter profile pics, adding another dimension to the experience.

So, it is quite clear that my recovery will take far longer than 28 days... but I will get that Token or Keychain sooner or later! (And when I do, I will let you know by Twittering about it!)

Day 22: AA For Social Networking Addicts!

Its day 22 of Social Networking Rehab. I thought I was at the home stretch until today. American Airlines has become my enabler. As I mentioned in this Twittergram, I am on my way to San Francisco for TechCrunch40 (which is NOT a Cereal!). My 2:45pm direct flight from MIA was cancelled for "mechanical problems" leaving me to standby for a 4:20 pm flight via Dallas. Naturally, I did not get on the standby flight, leaving me sitting here waiting for a 7:20 flight to DFW, getting me into SFO a little before Midnight.

What's a Social Networking Addict to do????

SMILE and THANK AMERICAN AIRLINES! This is far more valuable than my frequent flyer miles. I have almost SIX HOURS of uninterrupted, guilt-free Social Networking! I have my laptop and Sprint wireless broadband card, a seat near an electrical outlet, Facebook and Twitter open before me, coffee and alcohol readily available. So what if I won't get any rest or sleep before my busy TechCrunch schedule. I am in Social Networking heaven!!! No kids or dogs to interrupt. Just you, me and my laptop!

Thank you American Airlines! You can fuck up my travel schedule anytime!

Day 21: Mash? Mosh? Mush!

It's day 21, and as I mentioned in a Twittergram, I feel I am constantly being taunted! How can I ever expect to get clean if every day there is a new network on every street corner.... taunting, teasing and tempting me. Yahoo, take your MASH away! Nokia, stick to making phones and squash MOSH! All these new networks are making my mind into MUSH!

What's a Social Networking Addict to do?

It's bad enough, thanks to my Treo, that I catch myself Twittering in the bathroom, while driving, while walking, at the gym. I am quite adept at "thumb typing." Now I find as long as one hand is free, no matter what I am doing I am able to Twitter away. (And "Twittering with one hand" has NO sexual connotations, thank you very much!)

This is bad... very bad. Clearly the meds they have me on here at INVITATIONS are not doing a thing...

Perhaps I'll have to seek a homeopathic remedy. Any ideas???


Photo Credit: Ljupco Smokovski - Fotolia.com

Day 19: TechCrunch is NOT a Cereal!

Ok, it is confirmed. The staff here at INVITATIONS are complete idiots. How can they claim to be "The Nation's Premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility" when they have NO CLUE about what's going on. To understand an addict, you need to walk in an addict's shoes... To understand a Social Networking addict, you should at the very least have a Twitter account! Is that too much to ask?

I sent a Twittergram this morning but the end of it got cut off. I was talking with my Therapist and I told her, "Hey, Guy Kawasaki is on Twitter now!" I was pumped. Guy's a RockStar. The so-called "expert" Therapist looked at me puzzled and said, "You mean the motorcycle???"

NOTE TO THERAPIST: GUY KAWASAKI IS NOT A MOTORCYCLE!

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to explain that I needed an outpatient pass for a few days for TechCrunch40. She told me that they had a fully stocked kitchen, but if I wanted a certain special brand of cereal she would be happy to order it for me...

NOTE TO THERAPIST: TECHCRUNCH IS NOT A CEREAL!

I know I am getting better and that being here is really for my own good, but I hate it here... Sneaking a fix of the Internet from the Starbucks around the corner really sucks, and I haven't been POKED in days!

I guess I'll go raid the kitchen for a bowl of cereal...


Photo Credit: Chris Hill - Fotolia.com

Day 16: The Social Networking Gene...

It is day 16. I am more than halfway through my recovery. It is kind of quiet here at INVITATIONS since the Crackberry wing is practically empty. All the Celebrities checked out to go to Vegas for the VMA's. After seeing Britney's performance, I bet most of them wished they had stayed here. At least when the docs, nurses, therapists and counselors here start yellin' at you, there's no question they aren't lip syncing! Oops. She really did it again, didn't she!

As I mentioned in this morning's Twittergram, I am faced with the prospect that I may have passed this terrible disease of Social Networking Addiction onto my children. I have started to see the signs in my youngest, my daughter. At 16 she can thumb type on her SideKick like Mavis Beacon after two double espressos! I am pretty certain she is using MySpace when I am not around. On more than one occasion, when I came home from work I noticed her dilated pupils from staring at the Computer Monitor. I hope and pray that she doesn't discover Twitter! I fear that Twitter may be a gateway social network, and may lead to her using more powerful and addictive social media, like Facebook, where her usage won't be limited to short doses of 140 characters. Once she crosses that line, she may be lost forever.

I will have to keep a close watch on who her friends are. I better not recognize any of their usernames!

Day 14: Community Service Hours... Made a PSA!

Woohoo! It's day 14 -- I am halfway through my Recovery! Woot!

As I mentioned in this morning's Twittergram, today I was assigned a Community Service project. They had me create a Public Service Announcement about the growing problem of Social Networking addiction. To me it looks more like a damn commercial for this place!

As Chris Brogan would say, "what do you think?"

Day 12: Forced Downtime

This morning I had breakfast with my Rehab Counselor. It seems I have been forgiven for my "poking" and "powncing" comments. Even so, I chose my words very carefully when I told her I wanted an iPod TOUCH! I don't need any more harassment charges against me.

She asked how I was doing and I told her I hadn't toyed with Twitter for at least 8 hours. She seemed pleased with my progress. Of course, she has no idea that the only reason I haven't been Tweeting my brains out is because TWITTER IS DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE.

Perhaps I should ask her if the Rehab Facility has a SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY???

Day 10: Follow the Powncing Ball...

So, it is Day 10. I am back in Recovery after a Labor Day Weekend Reprieve. It feels like for each step forward in the program I am taking two Tweets backward. I came back to the facility with a fresh outlook, and according to the staff, a fresh mouth as well. Don't they get it? Telling a female counselor that I want to Pownce her when I get out does NOT have any sexual overtones! Sheesh! Imagine if I told her what I was really thinking... that I wished we'd get LinkedIN together one day! Between that and the "poke" comment the other day, they are watching me like a hawk... but I still managed to sneak in this Twittergram when they were all busy tightening the strings on the straitjackets in the Crackberry Ward (FYI, that's where all the Celebrities are!)

My ankle is getting raw and itchy from the Treo bracelet. If my kids come to visit I will see if they can sneak in some Calamine lotion.

Think of me when you are Twittering. I am thinking of you.

Day 8: A Squirt of Revenge...

It is Day 8, and I am still reeling from my disappointment that Quechup would not be the latest network to feed my addiction. That said, as I mention in this stolen moment Twittergram, I found a suitable use for the crushed Community Condiment! He-he. We'll see what my Therapist thinks about getting poked now!

Day 7: Teased & Tortured by Community Condiments

It is Day 7 in Social Networking Rehab, and I am reminded that we live in a cruel and angry world. How excited I was to, even in Rehab, be receiving countless invitations to a groundbreaking and exciting new Social Network that was taking the globe by storm. How thoughtful of all these folks to think of me in my time of healing and share with me the excitement and promise of yet another on-line community. Oh Joy! Invitations! Even the name seemed so enticing, exciting and for me, apropos... after all, as soon as my 28 days are up, I fully expect to "Catch Up" with all I missed while in recovery.

You can imagine how disappointed I was to learn that "Quechup" was merely a sham -- a clever condiment ruse to rouse contacts and other data from eager and unsuspecting early adopters. Had I not been in this fine facility and on restriction, I too would have succumbed, and given forth all YOUR contact information! Alas, Rehab is not just saving me, but perhaps, as Gary V might say, it saved a little bit of you too!